After Storm Dennis

From the i newspaper, 18 February:

Another frustrated resident in Wales, Clara Tiesse, said: 'I really don't want that flatulent marshmallow Boris Johnson to come and look solemn at the flooding here in South Wales, but at the same time I do want to be angry with him for not coming.'

Your shirts are safe -

The Rolling English Road

Before the Roman came to Rye or out to Severn strode,

The rolling English drunkard made the rolling English road.

A reeling road, a rolling road, that rambles round the shire,

And after him the parson ran, the sexton and the squire;

A merry road, a mazy road, and such as we did tread

The night we went to Birmingham by way of Beachy Head.

I knew no harm of Bonaparte and plenty of the Squire,

And for to fight the Frenchman I did not much desire;

But I did bash their baggonets because they came arrayed

To straighten out the crooked road an English drunkard made,

Where you and I went down the lane with ale-mugs in our hands,

The night we went to Glastonbury by way of Goodwin Sands.

His sins they were forgiven him; or why do flowers run

Behind him; and the hedges all strengthening in the sun?

The wild thing went from left to right and knew not which was which,

But the wild rose was above him when they found him in the ditch.

God pardon us, nor harden us; we did not see so clear

The night we went to Bannockburn by way of Brighton Pier.

My friends, we will not go again or ape an ancient rage,

Or stretch the folly of our youth to be the shame of age,

But walk with clearer eyes and ears this path that wandereth,

And see undrugged in evening light the decent inn of death;

For there is good news yet to hear and fine things to be seen,

Before we go to Paradise by way of Kensal Green.

 - G. K. Chesterton

What an opportunity!

Job description for a 15-year-old doing work experience for 2 weeks in the HQ of a high street bank:

Assisting the Business Management Lab Lead with the compilation of reports concerning lab progress, governance and operational performance.  Additionally, there will be the opportunity to spend time with key colleagues to learn about:

End to end change delivery- across agile and traditional methods

Overview of sprint outcomes and challenges

Focus on customer experience- via engagement with our Human Centred Design team

Coding (software engineering, quality engineering)

Release management.

The lovely language of the millwright

INVOICE

29th and 31st October 2019

To the supply of tackle, removal of Quant and lifting wind stone,

 following a noticeable lack of grinding efficiency and an intolerable squeak.

To removal of bearing gland cap and lathe turning to concentricity.

To subsequent re-cutting of 'stitching' to upper and lower stones and

 to replacing top stone and Quant....................................£ 360.00

Many thanks,

Richard

From Aix to Ghent, or Vice Versa

How I brought the good news from Aix to Ghent or Vice Versa
by W C Sellar & R J Yeatman (from Horse Nonsense) 1933

 I sprang to the rollocks and Jorrocks and me,
And I galloped, you galloped, we galloped all three.
Not a word to each other: we kept changing place,
Neck to neck, back to front, ear to ear, face to face:

And we yelled once or twice, when we heard a clock chime,
“Would you kindly oblige us, is that the right time?”
As I galloped, you galloped, he galloped, we galloped,
ye galloped, they two shall have galloped: let us trot.

I unsaddled the saddle, unbuckled the bit,
Unshackled the bridle (the thing didn’t fit)
And ungalloped, ungalloped, ungalloped, ungalloped a bit.

Then I cast off my buff coat, let my bowler hat fall,
Took off both my boots and my trousers and all –
Drank off my stirrup-cup, felt a bit tight,
And unbridled the saddle: it still wasn’t right.

Then all I remember is, things reeling round,
As I sat with my head ‘twixt my ears on the ground –
For imagine my shame when they asked what I meant
And I had to confess that I’d been, gone and went

And forgotten the news I was bringing to Ghent,
Though I’d galloped and galloped and galloped and galloped and galloped
And galloped and galloped and galloped. (Had I not would have been galloped?)

ENVOI
So I sprang to a taxi and shouted “To Aix!”
And he blew on his horn and he threw off his brakes.
And all the way back till my money was spent
We rattled and rattled and rattled and rattled and rattled and rattled and rattled –

And eventually sent a telegram.

Rosy's response to conventional cartoons about cats